Scarier than a vampiric snake and a joel schumacher film combined

There is nothing more terrifying at 2 someodd in the morning than turning on your computer and finding a warning screen telling you something is wrong with your c:drive. It's like a stage of symptoms: panic, terror, pacing back and forth, various mutterings to whatever diety pops in your head of leading a better life, acceptance, no-forget-that-acceptance-this-better-work plea, trying to realize computers are just no good and you'll be better off without one, anger, frustration, and finally just sheer waiting for the system to do its scan. Whatever hunger or appetite you had was gone, sleep is a dream, and any vague plans for the immediate future are thrown in the air. Then... it seems alright. It seems alright, thankfully.

"Tiny Cities Made of Ash"

I've just been re-reading my archives the last little bit, after blogger decided to start working again and give me access to them, and they all come off, i don't know how to quite put it, but they come off "off". I have no idea what that means, but they can be sometimes very different than how I think in my head, or how i think i sound in my head. It is hard to get down exact thoughts and feelings from my head directly to the post, there always seems to be something lost in translation along the way. Here, there, anywhere.

I've also just about had it with these weird dreams I've been having lately, so bloody analytical and such. They also have the annoying tendency to wake me up very early in the morning, when I should be sleeping. And of course, I can never get back to sleep afterwards. I'm surprised, because normally I could have a long and engaging conversation early in the morning and still be able to fall soundly asleep afterwards, but not lately. It's once you're up, you're up.

I have been feeling all over the map lately. I realized that big drastic change or motiviation or whathaveyou I was supposed to do has come up nil. I haven't really done anything, nothing, except thinking about doing something, and ultimately abandoned whatever I was contemplating. I am Jack's complete and utter lack of surprise. Ah, if i'm quoting that, I should probably relax a bit. It's the number one sign of tension, quoting fight club, it is. Hm, this post isn't going anywhere where I wanted it to, but that shouldn't be the biggest shock in the world, as it never does. But, I do feel all over the place lately. Excited, confused, frustrated, nervous, anxious, worried (basically any variation on the whole "worried" theme), drifting, aimless at times. I need to find some something, what that may be, i have no idea, but something to make sense of everything. And that's the thing, it's not like things don't make sense, they just don't seem to fit into what does. Vague much, yeah.

"It's the little pleasures in life..."

So, the official, final lineup came in today for the Film Fest...I could write here about moving into the new place, fun things like that, but I'm just too exhausted and also too excited about the lineup. Here's some of the ones I want to hit, but only time and money will tell if I'll be able to go to even a tenth of them. I must also once again curse the lack of the Uptown here, especially for the midnight madness programme. Beaurocracy (sic?) sometimes just sucks. Any ways, let me know if anyone's interested in any of the following:

Breaking News: directed by Johnnie To, the Hong Kong helmer behind "PTU" and "The Mission", it promises more cops-and-triad war games and inventive, hard-bitten style. Anything by this guy is at least worth a look.

Eros: directed by Steven Soderbergh, Wong Kar-wai, and Michelangelo Antonini. An anthology of films by three inarguably great auteurs on the subject of love and sex in the 21st century. At the absolute worst, it should be a spectacular disaster.

The Machinist: directed by Brad Anderson, this midnight madness selection features a radically different Christian Bale performance than seen before. As an insomniac factory worker, the film apparently portrays a bone-thin Bale as his own worst enemy as his mind and body quickly deteriorate. Should be interesting to compare to his Batman role later next summer.

Saw: directed by James Wan, this uber-creepy thriller is skedded to hit major theatres a little later this year, so it's not on the must-see list, but still, it looks mighty insane. Featuring Danny Glover, Cary Elwes and Dina Meyer, it revolves around a sadistic serial killer's mind games and has been garnering steady hype since it's sundance and fantasia debuts earlier this year. Also, naturally, a midnight madness selection.

Zebraman: directed by none other than Takashi Miike (!!!!!!), this MM pick revolves around a rather odd new superhero in Japan, played by Miike regular Sho (Dead or Alive) Aikawa. Basically, no matter what it's about, if it's by Miike, it's worth checking out.

Childstar: directed by Don McKella, about a US child superstar actor who runs away from his set while (here comes the wink), shooting a "runaway" production in Toronto. Features a fairly heavy cast for a homegrown film, including Dave Foley, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Eric Stoltz, and McKellar himself.

Assassination of Richard Nixon: directed by Niels Mueller, this based-on-slightly-true events film details the would-be killer of the president, played by Sean Penn. This has gotten mixed reviews so far, so enter with caution. But, it features an incredible cast including Penn's "21 Grams" costar Naomi Watts and Don Cheadle.

Crash: directed by Paul Haggis does the usual LA-incident-revolving-around-10-characters thing that Paul Thomas Anderson pretty much already perfected. But, there's that damn internet hype surrounding this one about Sandra Bullock's performance being Oscar worthy, so there you go. Plus, Tony Danza!!

A Dirty Shame: directed by John Waters, who I never really cared all that much for. Also starring Tracy Ullman, who I also never found the appeal of. And Johnny Knoxville, who's popularity also baffles me, sort of (he has a certain rugged on-screen charisma). Meh. A lot of people seem to want to see what Waters will do next with this NC-17 film, but I just can't muster that much interest.

Kung-Fu Hustle: directed by Stephen Chow (!!), creator of the infectiously amusing "Shaolin Soccer". That's all I need to know.

Millions: directed by Danny Boyle, is about two preteen brothers who find a sack full of British pounds, but only have a week to spend it before the country switches over to the Euro. Should be amusing, if only to see what a post-28 Days Later Boyle has been up to.

Noel: directed by Chazz Palmenteri, about some random NY'ers gathering together on Christmas eve. Nice cast, including perpetual New Yorker Alan Arkin, and Susan Sarandon.

P.S.: directed by Dylan Kidd, of "Rodger Dodger" fame. I'm too tired to get this absolutely correct, but has something to do with an affair between Laura Linney and younger-man Topher Grace. Kidd has an amazing nack for dialogue, so hopefully this won't be a let down (as long as he films the thing on film, not that crappy digital video he used for "Dodger").

Palindromes: directed by Todd Solondz, who has a tendency to polarize his audiences, comes with another fucked up family portrayal. I personally hated "Happiness" and thought "Storytelling" was an interesting car crash, but I also can't avoid his films. They're ones that actually make you think, and purposefully illicit an emotional response.

Sideays: directed by Alexander Payne, this one about mid-life crises with Paul Giamatti and an always-underestimated Thomas Hayden Church, will surely hit art houses later this year, so it's also not on the absolute-list. But, still interesting to see what the director of "About Schmidt" will come up with next, especially with his wife, the addictive Sandra Oh, added to the casting mix.

Silver City: directed by John Sayles, this indie-palozza of actors is a W. Bush-like parody on American politics, media, and the like. As said, an amazing cast led by Chris Cooper, but it should be interesting if it will hold up after the election.

Throw Down: directed, again, by Johnnie To. Supposedly available right now at my second home, Pacific Mall, this crime-actioner stars Tony Leung as a judo champ turned nightclub owner. Or something like that. Meh, just see it.

When Will I Be Loved: directed by James Toback, the improvising director behind one of my fav underrated films in the last few years, "Black and White". It stars Neve Campbell as a sexually adventurous grad student. See it before it's surely censored by the MPAA.

Beyond the Sea: directed by Kevin Spacey, this bio-pic about crooner Bobby Darrin should be curious, especailly with the 45-year-old Spacey playing the much younger Darrin throughout his whole life (Darrin only lived to be 37). Kate Bosworth plays Sandra Dee.

House of Flying Daggers: directed by Zhang Yimou, the director of "Hero" (!!!!!!). If you've seen "Hero", you know what I'm talking about, so just do anything to see this new Yimou epic that stars Andy Lau and regular muse Zhang Ziyi.

I Heart Huckabees: directed by David O. Russell, this is one of my two HAVE-TO-MUST-AT-ALL-COSTS see of the year (the other being Wes Anderson's "The Life Aquatic", unfortunately missing from this year's lineup, most likely because his films always premiere at the New York Film Fest later in the year). If you haven't seen the bizarre but addictive trailer (go here: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/i_heart_huckabees/), then you must. Once you have, you'll probably know why I want to see it so much. Uhm, maybe. It's kind of confusing, but, argghghgh, have to, must, got to see it.

The Motorcycle Diaries: directed by Walter Salles, this biopic of a young Che Guevara should hopefully convince everyone who puts his poster up in their dorm-room to actually find out what the guy is all about. Stars Gael Garcia Bernal from "Y Tu Mama Tambien".

Whew, that's about everything on the top of my head from what I looked at. Let me know if I'm missing anything. I'm tired...g'night.

"They will see us waving from such great heights..."

I'd like to try and tell a story. I might stick with it through the entire post, might not.

My parents, especially my mom, always demand that no matter how late I stay out at night, no matter what "ungodly" hour I come at, that I wake them up, again especially my mom, and tell them "i'm home". And then usually what hour it is. I can get away with telling them pretty much any hour of the night since they're groggy and zombie-ish by usually 10:45 at night.

So, on one or thrice occassions, I've come and made the usual routine to my parents room. The neon red clock-radio sits atop their television set, attempting to inform their lying eyes to what time the first-born got home. Then the fun kicks in, at which point I do my usual schtick...goes something along the lines of this:

"Hi, I'm home from ________. It's _____ am (but subtract half and hour to an hour if it's past 3, just not to frighten them because after all, once the clock hits 3 am, the real weirdos come out to stalk and murder me). Goodnight."

Usually this is greeted with a mumble or two from either the mom or the dad, and one of them usually then takes this opportunity to stumble to the washroom. Two birds, one stone, pretty much. Then, it's off to bed, no fuss, no muss. But, on the rare occassion, I get them in a complete trance. It's quite funny, like they're just coming off a really bad (or really good, depending on your definition) acid trip. The conversation is as follows:

Me: Hi, I'm home.
Parental Unit: Wha? Who is that?
Me: It's me.
Parental Unit: Paul? What time is it?
Me: No. ME. Me, Barry. The good son.
Parental Unit: Ohh....tell Barry he needs to get up in the morning for work.
Me: Uhm...gotcha.

And so it goes. Sometimes there's even a game they seem to play where one of them dismisses the others' outrageous sleepy-claims. It's good to catch them both near-drunk-on-sleep, i should really record it one time and use it for a bit. Woody Allen couldn't top it.

But, that's how it sometimes goes. And then the REALLY fun part comes. After I've woken them up, done my little spiel, and gone on my merry way to bed (re: internet for at least 2 hours), I then get one parent slamming through my bedroom door demanding to know where I am.

PM (I'm tired of using the full name): When did you get home???
Me: Uhm, like two/three/ten hours ago.
PM: But you didn't wake me up!
Me: Yes I did. I even got you a glass of water/milk/scotch (okay, last one made up.)
PM: Oh? Really?
Me: Yep, really. I'm afraid you're going quite insane.
PM: Hm, how about that. Well, goodnight. And wake me up next time you get home.
Me: Gotcha.

So, it's when I realized I was packing tonight, for the very first time I have ever packed so much, that I won't have to do that regular routine after a long night. Unless Matt wants to be woken up (i'm wagering a 'no' there), I will have no one to report to. No one to come hurtling into my room at 4 in the morning wondering where I was two hours ago and why everything is so confusing at the moment. It's a strange feeling, and I hate to get sentimental or saccharine about it (did i spell that right? screw dictionary.com), but I will miss it. At the very least, it seems difficult to comprehend now. Perhaps after I've actually moved in it will sink in more clearly, but for now, with all these boxes crowding my room, and my shelves looking barren and stripped, I have this just lump in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's a good one or a bad one, it's just there. Like most things I'm finding lately, things just are there, here, right in front of us (this isn't to say i know what the hell to do with most things i find myself faced with). But I've decided to kind of just go with this, see where the lump goes. It'll be a different kind of scary/weird, not having to report to anyone, being independent for my own being..i might just do a nightly post about what time i got home to make sure someone knows i'm alive after outrunning those post-3-am muggers and deviants. I think I'll survive, though. After all, I have all these boxes with things in them. How could I not?

SOTD: The Magnificent-Super-Duper Return

(overhype much? you know it)

Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet
Sahara Hotnights - Walk on the Wire
The Zutons - Nightmare Part II
Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
Muse - Butterflys and Hurricanes
The Streets - Dry Your Eyes
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Y Control

I Know...

It's far too late once again, and this time i really have to get up in the morning too. I think there might be a bit of a hiatus until the next proper post, so it'll have to be weird links and short observations for the time being. But, hey, it's not all bad. Here's an interesting link everyone must go to:

http://www.spamusement.com/

Trust me, hilarity insues.

And, i'm done.

Bender: And it's not a made-up word like "odelay"
Beck: Odelay is a word! Check the Becktionary!

I don't quite know why I'm still up after having pretty solidly committed myself to going to bed an hour ago or so, but here I am...and this quote from Futurama was running through my head all night, it's just funny. Thought I'd share it with everyone...uhm, yep, that's all I got right now. Well, g'night.

About Time I Finally Got Those Developed

Today was a busy day. Just going through it in my mind, I accomplished quite a bit, with some fun squeezed in too. That was satisfying, overall. I got my new bed, did some decorating in the new place, brought over dishes and other stuff, finally got a new pair of shoes, had some photos developed (there were still pics from last summer, yet), and made some phone calls and such. Plus, Buffy. So, all in all a very packed, good day. But, now that it's all over, I can't help but feel this wave of anxiety, well, not quite anxiety, maybe restlessness, of underwhelment all mixed together starting to sink in. I constantly look forward to everything, and I rarely get a chance to live in the moment...sometimes I'll be able to, but now that the day has passed and I got everything i pretty much needed to get done, well done, i just sink in my chair here wondering what's next. What's next? I need to know.

(Edit: A big argh-almighty also goes out to blogger..i had to write this post three times out because the bloody thing kept on deleting it...)

"The Universe Is Shaped Exactly Like the Earth/If You Go Straight Long Enough/You'll End Up Where You Were"

I had an epiphany of sorts in the past few days. But, to properly understand the probably Tony Robbins-like musings I'm sure to be spouting in the next few paragraphs, let's back up a bit and just go over some things I wanted to talk about, but just didn't get the time because of the crazy hectic really fun past week. Alright, so first, the Sloan/Sam Roberts concert. I wanted to talk about this in really great detail, a kind of semi-warmup for my yoink! article on it which will never get published (or will it??) and to at least attempt to hone my reviewing skills/writing skills/any sort of descernible skills. But, I'm a lazy, lazy man I am, so here's my basic follow-up summary. I really wanted to elaborate on everything, but sigh, lazyness wins again. Just like gravity. Damn you, gravity. Oh, and logic, why not, too.
Best Band: Sloan, of course. Sam Roberts did an admirable job too, but where was that damn duet?? Oh well, only in dreams.
Most Promising: The Arcade Fire were a bit too loose for me, but with a little work, and a tone down or two of thier too-blatant-for-the-eyes hipster image, they could be the "next big thing". Or whatever the kids are calling it these days. Pump up the volume on the violin, though. Yellowcard already has that down pat. (yes, just compared the florida emo band to the montreal hipsters...and lived to tell the tale).
Best Surprise: Buck 65. Man, that guy was on fire. Arcade fire, you ask? No, just simply fire. That smokers lung delivery of his, combined with lyrics about blue-collar east-coast woes won me over. And at times made me hungry.
Most Dissapointing: The Constantines. Woefully overhyped, and sadly underwhelming. Not sure if it was the best idea to have them follow Broken Social Scene's mini-epic set, which was much tighter than I had expected it to be, but overall I just didn't see what the hot fuss was about. Maybe in a different venue.
Best Condiment: Pickles. By the bowlful. And those good, crunchy ones I like too. Almost worth the 250% markup on burgers.

---
So, that was really a very cool and fun day. Plus, gyros and baklava, but not necessarily in that order. On to the great road trip and my near-death epiphany.
---

Camping in Owen Sound was too much fun for words, really. The drive up there was interesting and amusing to be short about it, and is definitely a story I shall enjoy telling for a while, though far too long and such to post here. Ask me, and ye shall recieve. But, yes. So here is the part of the post where it's supposed to get interesting, where that epiphany happens and everything shakes for a bit in your stomach. (I tried writing this bloody post since the day I got back, the hour really, and when it actually comes onliny is a testament to my hesitantness, if that's a word).

Hm, I tend to overhype things. This is probably going to fall into that, I bet. Essentially, I kinda almost maybe drowned doing some over-confident swimming in the lake (yep, i'm kind of stupid sometimes...i thought i could handle the little jaunt across the water, it looked pretty close. ohh, boy, was i wrong. i am desperately in need of getting into some sort of proper shape..it's really bad when your lungs seem to be giving out halfway in and your legs start to cramp up like they're being suffocated in saran wrap). To make a long story short, and thanks to some much needed and eternally appreciated help from erin and eva (and anonymous lifejacket-in-canoe-person), i made it however weary i was, and everything turned out ok-dok. Yet, during that mircrocosm of time when I thought, yep this might be it (really a split second..i mean, i was on vacation, no one exits then, not in those circumstances, relaxing on a gorgeous lake and everything..the thought of me for even a splinter second imagining it chills me to the bone..it just doesn't happen), I had that epiphany. We all know the type, the what would I be leaving here if I happened to succumb sort of thing. The Tony Robbins big payoff in which the audience members of middle-corporate-America rise and cheer and give each of themselves bear hugs and high-fives and rip off thier "hi, i'm _____" tags and proudly declare it a new day, for themselves (and the office). It was similar, but I'd like to think less hookey, and please let it be, less pretentious. But I know it still falls into that camp.

Sparing the long and complicated, I thought, shit, I have to get my act together. I mean, honestly. I'm 21, and I feel like I've accomplished maybe half that number. This isn't to say I have such an incredibly empty purpose here, I often feel accomplished or just pleased, satisfied to float on to the next chore or activity with nothing really in my mind, but then there are those damned neuroses I tend to carry which also dominate my thoughts. Have I accomplished what I should've by this point in time? It's all those decisions, the lack of those decisions, that haunted me in that moment. There's nothing I can do about those now, and there are only a few I downright regret to the core, but those are over and done with. The only thing I can do, and now have decided I must do, is get out and be honest with myself. Stop wondering if awkwardness can appear at a moments pause, and just let it appear if that's the way it's going to be. I've got to stop waiting for the worst to happen, and just let...it...happen. This year will be a litmus test for this line of thinking, I hope. I don't want anything enormous to happen and fall just into my lap, but I feel i have to make something with this time, get some sort of accomplishment in. My stomach's in knots just thinking about this, typing these words...but damned if it isn't also exciting.

Right now, though, I just honestly don't want to be typing this in my room. I want to be writing it down somewhere, somewhere outside, even by the water maybe, enjoying the outside in front of me, the blank surfaces. Still here? Wow, I'm impressed...I don't think I'd stick around for this rambling...thank you.

"How satisfying it is to leave a mark on a blank surface..to make a map of my movements..."

Just finished Craig Thompson's "Blankets"...couldn't put it down...left speechless. Blogless, really. I just wanted to write this down, to recall how it felt like to go through it. I wish I could say/describe more.

In Substitution for My Meandering Thoughts and Etc. and Etc.

Here's the trailer for the absolutely amazing-looking "Garden State". A couple nights ago I watched the thing for about 8 or 9 times in a row around 3 in the morning for some reason. It's hypnotic, really. Watch, be amazed and drawn in.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/garden_state/internet_exclusive/high.html